BAD STUFF IN HEAD - 24 May 2022

 I won't pretend it's been an easy few weeks. Unwell, unhappy, frightened and without my usual grip on the road ahead. Partly due to a lack of signposting about what's going on. Nothing in writing about the findings of the exam under anaesthetic - just the verbal from Miss McD on the afternoon of the procedure. Nothing about how to prepare for the actual stoma operation - it all seems very different from when I had the debulking surgery when there was written notification about preparation down to showering beforehand and drinking Gatorade. This time nothing even about when to stop eating and drinking. Whether it's because I've been handed over to the general and gut surgeons I don't know, but I've felt cast adrift. 

At the back of it is a difficulty in adjusting from being on a trial to this new, unwanted stage. One reason for being on the trial was the perception that a very close eye would be trained on what was happening. Instead, I can't help thinking that the cancer was allowed to get away - bowel symptoms were running away after Christmas, but I seemed to be the only person who was curious about the tumour's third dimension, and  nobody did an internal exam until Miss McD. I'm cross with myself on this because I had thought of asking if one would be indicated months ago but didn't jump the hurdles of embarassment and looking as if I was telling  a doctor how to do their job. Maybe it wouldn't have helped anyway.

At some point recently, my Enhanced Supportive Care contact suggested they refer me to one of the Cancer Centre's psychologists. I agreed as stuff is definitely going around and around in my head like it did four years ago when this all started. 7 June phone call to look forward to for that.


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